I am not a religious person in the usual sense. I am, however, very much in tune with myself and interested in things that are outside the reach of our academic sphere, so I am very open to all things spiritual. The love of my life, my boyfriend, lover and confidante of only six months killed himself, aged 51 in November 1999. I didn't know that he was depressed and so desperate to end this existence. He had a wicked sense of humour and a lot of tenderness, he was calm even in hectic and very stressful situations. There have been a lot of problems with his estranged wife but we both knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Alan and I always talked a lot, we talked about everything, there was no hidden agenda, everything was out in the open. Or so I thought. Luckily, I feel there is nothing I should have said but didn't. I don't feel any guilt in that respect. There are, however, all those questions as to why he did it and why he didn't ring me before he did it. When I am outside walking I have a "conversation" with him and sometimes I get answers to my questions that I know don't come from inside of me - they must come from him! One day in May last year, I had had a go at him via the photos in my house, I shouted at him to leave me alone, that I didn't want to think of him but miss him so much because he was lost for me! I put the photos away, I felt his influence on my life was still too strong and that it was hampering my development. I wanted to get on with my life. That night in bed I talked to him again, as usual, telling him how sorry I was for shouting at him and that I loved him forever but I wanted to try to start my life all over again without him. Because my neck was hurting so much, I got out of bed and went over to the cupboard to get another pillow out. As I stood by the door a strong, intense scent pervaded the room and I recognised it straightaway: it was Alan's aftershave balm, mixed in with his cigarette smoke and the very typical soapy smell of his skin. He was in the room! Tears came to my eyes and I looked around the room but couldn't see anything unusual. It was dark, just past midnight, and I could see light from the street shining through the curtain. Somehow I had the feeling that he was standing by the door to the hall but I couldn't see him. The whole room was filled with the scent, however, and I felt consoled and frustrated at the same time, because I knew I couldn't touch him even though he was so near! I spoke to him, told him how I loved him, and that I was sorry for shouting at him and asked him if he was better and happy now. Like in the "conversations" we had before I got a message in my mind. It was "Let me go - it is time." I cried more because I didn't want to do that, but I felt so much love from him. I also sensed that it was important for him that I did what he asked so I promised to try very hard but that it wasn't easy. He seemed to understand, I think he nodded even though I couldn't see that. But that's what Alan would have done if he had been alive. A minute later the scent was gone and I felt that I was alone again. I was puzzled because I didn't understand what I had just experienced! Being a pragmatic person I checked the cupboard, drawers and bed for evidence of a source for that scent, but there was nothing. I went into the bathroom where I kept a bottle of his aftershave balm and it was that smell, only much more septic! I went back to bed, feeling very calm and consoled, grateful that he had found another way to contact me and to ask me to help him. All those months before I was almost going crazy because I didn't know what had happened to his soul after the violent act of suicide. Now I know that he is happy and he is still with me sometimes. I wish he was with me more often because it helps me to feel that there is life after death and a much more fulfilled and "whole" one.

I found this site because of John Edward and this is wonderful its nice to know there are other people out there that feel the same way and have a place they can go and get comfort and ask questions and find information to help them, people like me thank you

This site is a blessing for those of us who are grieving. I lost my son James about 8 months ago and the devastation I feel grows each day. It's nice to know there are people who understand and really care. Thank you!

I love your website. I have lost grandparents, aunts, and uncles in the past. Years ago I lost my grandmother, Daisy, and that was the 1st major loss I experienced. More recently I lost my favorite Aunt, Claire, in an auto accident. In Dec 2000 my mother, Charlotte, passed after a very long period of illness and suffering. Your book and your website have been so helpful to me. I have also told my sister in law who recently lost her younger sister, about your site. Thank you so much.

thanks for being here for all of us, m,c,