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Dear Regina,I read what you wrote in the Hello From Heaven Guestbook. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I know that Stacey was your only child. I am a mother of 3; however, I lost my only son in a car accident in April of 1990. Chris was only 17 and was a passenger in the front seat. The driver, Billy, was also killed. I would like to share with you the details of the accident and a little about my life since then, in hopes that in some small way, it will give you some level of comfort. There were 4 teenagers in the car at the time. It was around 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon of April 4, 1990. My son riginally was in the back seat with 15 year old Tammy, whom he liked and was going to have a first date with that evening. Billy was the driver and they were in his car, my son (Chris) was originally in the back seat with Tammy, and Scott was in the front seat passenger side. All 3 of the boys had skipped their afternoon classes and somewhere along the way, they got their hands on a bottle of Tequila (I do, however, feel like I know where they got it... but nothing could ever be proved). Oddly enough, my son was the only one out of the 3 boys who hadn't drank any of the Tequila. Chris did, however, drink one bottle of beer (the coroner told me this). Tammy was picked up after school to go for a ride and she partook in drinking some of the Tequila. My son smoked cigarettes (which I always fought with him about), so just prior to the accident, Chris traded places with Scott so Tammy wouldn't have to be subjected to the smoke in the back seat. They were speeding, maybe 20 miles over the limit, in a 40 mph zone. A woman pulled out from a cross street, Billy saw her and eacted with a bit of a swerve to miss her, and when he did, he overcorrected and hit the curb causing the car to veer to the right, slamming into a huge oak tree. Just prior to all of this, my son had told Billy "hey man, slow down," but it was too late. Since my son was the front seat passenger, he took the brunt of the blow. The car broke into 3 pieces, if you can imagine that, and Chris was killed almost instantly. He had to be cut out of the car and his seat belt (he was the ONLY one sober enough to think to put on his seatbelt). The driver, Billy, never regained consciousness and died 3 hours later at the hospital. The 2 teenagers in the back seat, Scott and Tammy, were critically injured but have long since recovered... but not without some physical, as well as emotional, scars. I had been having some pretty typical teenage problems with my son. I have had to almost always be a working mom... you know, stressed all the time with trying to raise 3 kids (I also have 2 daughters), dealing with 2 teenagers at one time, keeping a roof over our heads and paying the bills on time. Well, to say the least, it was hard to keep a perspective on things and I sometimes reacted angrily towards Chris rather than showing more patience. As a result, our last words were not good and they are something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The day before he was killed, he walked away from me shouting that he wished he were dead. Dear God in Heaven... I have since learned to be very careful what I say in anger to my daughters, so that they will never wish something like that. My world as I knew it ended that fateful day. I could have blamed God. I could have blamed the driver, Billy. I could have blamed Scott for trading places with Chris. I could have blamed Tammy for going for a ride with them, causing Chris to move to the front seat in order to spare her the discomfort of his smoking. I could have blamed Billy's parents in some way. The fact is... this devastated 4 families. Billy's parents were suffering even more than I, as they blamed themselves for my son's death and the injuries to the others, since it was her son who caused the accident. The truth is, teenagers have always done stupid reckless things. I know that I did when I was a teenager. How could I blame someone else, when it was my son's choice to be there. I feel so certain that Chris probably tried to talk Billy into letting him drive, but Billy may have said no because it was his car. I feel that Chris would have attempted to talk Billy into letting him drive, because my son was such a safe driver. He always wore his seatbelt and made sure I did when he was in the car with me. I couldn't blame God, because I believe with all my heart and soul that God did NOT make this accident happen. Satan did! Our loving Father, though, chose to take Chris and Billy on to Heaven for reasons we are not to know just yet, but in time I believe we will... we all will. Even though I still had 2 beautiful daughters, I wanted to die, I begged God to let me die and if I hadn't had my daughters, I know for a fact that I would not be here today, because I probably would have taken my own life. He was my baby boy and I wanted to be with him. I felt that I had failed him so much in his short life. I couldn't get the picture out of my mind of his dying alone... if only I could have held him and told him how much I loved him one more time. Been there when he passed from this life, so he wouldn't have felt alone. All sorts of things go through your mind. I guess the main reason I felt that I needed to tell you my story is not, of course, because the way we lost our children are similar, because they are not. They are very different, but because I wanted you to know that I did NOT turn away from our Heavenly Father, but instead I got so much closer to him. I knew that my son was in a better place and now he is protected from the one who caused that accident in the first place... Satan. Although, I wanted to die... I kept praying for comfort. What seemed like endless nights, I would cry myself to sleep with the simplest of prayers... "Please Jesus, help me, help me." I would say this over and over and over again until I would finally drift off. This is how I made it through each second, each minute and each day. I finally realized that He was comforting me... several weeks after the accident, the feelings of suicide finally subsided. I began to think rationally again, and realize that my daugters needed me. The thought of leaving them without a mother in this crazy world, gave me a reason to go on. Chris' little sister, Robin, was 10 years old at the time of his death. Two weeks after he died, she had a very vivid dream... she climbed into bed with me the next morning and proceeded to tell me that in this dream, Chris walked down the stairs of our townhome. Robin asked him, "Chris, how can you be here... are you here because Jesus wants you to be here?" He answered her "Yes" and told her he loved her and gave her a wonderful hug before leaving. When she told me this "dream," tears filled her little eyes and she said, "But Mommy, it wasn't a dream!" She said it was so real, she just didn't know how else to express it to me. I truly feel like the Lord allowed Chris to come and say goodbye to his little sister, as they were so close to each other. I would give anything to have had that kind of experience, but I believe that I was grieving too hard at the time. I have now had many dreams of Chris, some seemed like more than a dream and some, I knew were only dreams. It's hard to describe. Maybe you are having trouble receiving dream visitations from your daughter, because your anger is blocking the communication. Regina, please don't blame God for something Satan caused, or maybe it was just Regina's time... for whatever purpose she was here to fulfill, maybe she fulfilled it. You will see your precious daughter again, please believe me. You have not fulfilled your purpose yet and that is why you are still here. I truly believe we are all here for a purpose in God's great scheme of things. We just have to trust in the Lord... he is truly our loving Father and doesn't want us to hurt, but sometimes you have to experience pain and hardships in order to become a better person. I know that the Lord took my son's death and made something good come out of it... I believe that because of Chris dying, I have walked a much closer walk with my all loving Heavenly Father. I refuse to allow my son to have died in vain... all 3 of us, my daughters and myself, are better people today because of our great loss. Your pain is still so raw... I just pray that you take my story in the way that it is meant. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to or just unload on. May God bless you and bring you comfort, Regina.
Dallas, Texas, United States
April 23, 1999
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